I've been thinking about the future a lot lately, and about myself. Who do I want to be? What do I want people to think of me? What do I want in the future?
At the moment, I want to graduate from high school, then go to SUU (Southern Utah University). There, I want to get into photographer and continue in my learning from high school in that area. I also want to become a songwriter, freelance writer, and/or a poet.
I want to marry a worthy man in the Salt Lake Temple. I want to have kids, and name my oldest daughter Memory. It's an amazing name. [: I want to live in Daybreak, in the houses by the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. Of course, the last two things just might happen by chance.
As of who I want to be at the moment, I want to be a girl that smiles all the time, and is constantly happy. I want to be someone that can brighten your day even if she couldn't brighten her own. I want to be a great friend, a great student and an even better person. How I can accomplish that, I'm still working out the kinks...(;
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Depression.
A lot of my friends are going into some sort of depression. This brings so many questions to mind. Am I next? What about my best friend? My family? Is it contagious, as an illness is? Why are they depressed in the first place? What can be so wrong in a teenager's life that would lead them to depression? Is there something that's causing everybody to sink into it? Is it summer vacation? Dating? Friendship? Insecurity? Low self-esteem? Vulnerability? What media portrays?
My friend Brendon has been depressed for a while now, ever since I've turned him down. He got into cutting himself, and wearing dark clothes, and being a total emo. Sure, he had his moments when he was happy, but it was rare. When we hung out he seemed just fine; always smiling, laughing, cracking jokes... It's online where he talks about how his life is horrible.
I've thought through every possibility. Maybe he just wants attention--people say that's what emo people want. Maybe cutting really does ease the pain--I wouldn't know, I've never tried.
At first, when he acted depressed, I'd tell him how great of a friend he is, etc. It would work...for about five or so minutes. He would just disagree with everything I said. Lately I've been so stressed over who-knows-what that I haven't really cared about it.. If he insulted himself, I'd just agree; I got tired of trying to reassure him otherwise.
Then there's Steevey...you kind of have to know her personality and way of thinking to understand her. She always seems to fall for guys way hard. About two months ago, she started going out with Kevin. He's one of our best guy friends. He broke up with her three weeks later. Everything seemed to crash down then for her. Her heart was evidently broken worse than it ever has, and she's had a few boyfriends in the past that lasted longer than her relationship with him. I figure it's because she didn't expect her heart to get broken; he lives about 8 miles away so they wouldn't see each other often. Therefore, he wouldn't break up with her. She didn't realize how vulnerable she was. But since they've broken up, Steevey's never been the same since. She's always telling me how she has to fake a smile, how she's never happy anymore, how everything in her life seems darker and unreliant. Of course, when she's around me, she seems happy; not as happy as before she and Kevin went out, but she still seems happy. But at the same time, I sort of knew how much pain she must feel, because she's constantly crying about it. Sure, Steevey's dramatic, but she's also depressed.
Hayden. I haven't seen him for months, since the last day of school. That's when he started going out with Steevey's best friend, Teesha. Now, this doesn't really affect anything, but Hayden is one of Steevey's ex-boyfriends. Hayden and Teesha have been off and on for months now; they went out three or four times. Now, Hayden's still in love with Teesha, but Teesha likes Hayden every other day, and hates his guts the next. Hayden has no idea what to do about this, so he goes to Steevey for advice. Even though Hayden is Steevey's best friend, every time they talk, they get into a huge argument. And, as I found out earlier, Hayden's parents are looking for a therapist for him. He has such low self-confidence it's scary. I've never seen anybody hate themselves worse. He always points out the smallest flaws that nobody else could notice unless otherwise pointed out.
Teesha is having really hard family problems, and just can't decide who she should be in love with. Everything's too hard for her. She's losing all sense of personality.
These people are four of my closest friends. They're all falling into depression. I have also noticed a change in myself. I don't think I'm as happy as I have been in the past. It seems like everything is falling a part at the seams. I'm just hoping that when school starts in less than a month, the change will bring out the best in everybody, and will make my friends happier and more secure with themselves. Maybe school is just what we all need... Who would've thought I'd ever say that??
My friend Brendon has been depressed for a while now, ever since I've turned him down. He got into cutting himself, and wearing dark clothes, and being a total emo. Sure, he had his moments when he was happy, but it was rare. When we hung out he seemed just fine; always smiling, laughing, cracking jokes... It's online where he talks about how his life is horrible.
I've thought through every possibility. Maybe he just wants attention--people say that's what emo people want. Maybe cutting really does ease the pain--I wouldn't know, I've never tried.
At first, when he acted depressed, I'd tell him how great of a friend he is, etc. It would work...for about five or so minutes. He would just disagree with everything I said. Lately I've been so stressed over who-knows-what that I haven't really cared about it.. If he insulted himself, I'd just agree; I got tired of trying to reassure him otherwise.
Then there's Steevey...you kind of have to know her personality and way of thinking to understand her. She always seems to fall for guys way hard. About two months ago, she started going out with Kevin. He's one of our best guy friends. He broke up with her three weeks later. Everything seemed to crash down then for her. Her heart was evidently broken worse than it ever has, and she's had a few boyfriends in the past that lasted longer than her relationship with him. I figure it's because she didn't expect her heart to get broken; he lives about 8 miles away so they wouldn't see each other often. Therefore, he wouldn't break up with her. She didn't realize how vulnerable she was. But since they've broken up, Steevey's never been the same since. She's always telling me how she has to fake a smile, how she's never happy anymore, how everything in her life seems darker and unreliant. Of course, when she's around me, she seems happy; not as happy as before she and Kevin went out, but she still seems happy. But at the same time, I sort of knew how much pain she must feel, because she's constantly crying about it. Sure, Steevey's dramatic, but she's also depressed.
Hayden. I haven't seen him for months, since the last day of school. That's when he started going out with Steevey's best friend, Teesha. Now, this doesn't really affect anything, but Hayden is one of Steevey's ex-boyfriends. Hayden and Teesha have been off and on for months now; they went out three or four times. Now, Hayden's still in love with Teesha, but Teesha likes Hayden every other day, and hates his guts the next. Hayden has no idea what to do about this, so he goes to Steevey for advice. Even though Hayden is Steevey's best friend, every time they talk, they get into a huge argument. And, as I found out earlier, Hayden's parents are looking for a therapist for him. He has such low self-confidence it's scary. I've never seen anybody hate themselves worse. He always points out the smallest flaws that nobody else could notice unless otherwise pointed out.
Teesha is having really hard family problems, and just can't decide who she should be in love with. Everything's too hard for her. She's losing all sense of personality.
These people are four of my closest friends. They're all falling into depression. I have also noticed a change in myself. I don't think I'm as happy as I have been in the past. It seems like everything is falling a part at the seams. I'm just hoping that when school starts in less than a month, the change will bring out the best in everybody, and will make my friends happier and more secure with themselves. Maybe school is just what we all need... Who would've thought I'd ever say that??
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