Don't look away.

When the sun sets and you look at me, I can't believe I have you. All I see is our happiness twisted into one. We slow dance to our songs, just us two. You whisper "I love you..." Can you feel it, too? The flitter of our butterflies? I can see in your eyes and know that you do. Don't look away.

Alyssa wants me to write in my blog some more. Soo...I guess I will.
Nothing has happened to me lately, though.

School's starting in a few days. I'm excited, but only for the first week or so. The rest of the school year can rot in a garbage bag. xD

I've been doing a lot of self-analyzing and such lately. My brain has been hooked on that so now with every little detail of my life, I subconsciously discover a deeper meaning. It's kind of freaky, really. Haha. But, maybe it's a good thing. I think I want to be a physiologist or something so I can do that and get paid at the same time...[:

Change is a big word. I want to change so much in my life, but I'm afraid to let things go. I'm hurting so many people in my indecision, and it's only getting worse. It's really hard to explain, and I'm too lazy to try to.[:

Who do I want to be?

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately, and about myself. Who do I want to be? What do I want people to think of me? What do I want in the future?

At the moment, I want to graduate from high school, then go to SUU (Southern Utah University). There, I want to get into photographer and continue in my learning from high school in that area. I also want to become a songwriter, freelance writer, and/or a poet.

I want to marry a worthy man in the Salt Lake Temple. I want to have kids, and name my oldest daughter Memory. It's an amazing name. [: I want to live in Daybreak, in the houses by the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. Of course, the last two things just might happen by chance.

As of who I want to be at the moment, I want to be a girl that smiles all the time, and is constantly happy. I want to be someone that can brighten your day even if she couldn't brighten her own. I want to be a great friend, a great student and an even better person. How I can accomplish that, I'm still working out the kinks...(;

Depression.

A lot of my friends are going into some sort of depression. This brings so many questions to mind. Am I next? What about my best friend? My family? Is it contagious, as an illness is? Why are they depressed in the first place? What can be so wrong in a teenager's life that would lead them to depression? Is there something that's causing everybody to sink into it? Is it summer vacation? Dating? Friendship? Insecurity? Low self-esteem? Vulnerability? What media portrays?

My friend Brendon has been depressed for a while now, ever since I've turned him down. He got into cutting himself, and wearing dark clothes, and being a total emo. Sure, he had his moments when he was happy, but it was rare. When we hung out he seemed just fine; always smiling, laughing, cracking jokes... It's online where he talks about how his life is horrible.
I've thought through every possibility. Maybe he just wants attention--people say that's what emo people want. Maybe cutting really does ease the pain--I wouldn't know, I've never tried.
At first, when he acted depressed, I'd tell him how great of a friend he is, etc. It would work...for about five or so minutes. He would just disagree with everything I said. Lately I've been so stressed over who-knows-what that I haven't really cared about it.. If he insulted himself, I'd just agree; I got tired of trying to reassure him otherwise.

Then there's Steevey...you kind of have to know her personality and way of thinking to understand her. She always seems to fall for guys way hard. About two months ago, she started going out with Kevin. He's one of our best guy friends. He broke up with her three weeks later. Everything seemed to crash down then for her. Her heart was evidently broken worse than it ever has, and she's had a few boyfriends in the past that lasted longer than her relationship with him. I figure it's because she didn't expect her heart to get broken; he lives about 8 miles away so they wouldn't see each other often. Therefore, he wouldn't break up with her. She didn't realize how vulnerable she was. But since they've broken up, Steevey's never been the same since. She's always telling me how she has to fake a smile, how she's never happy anymore, how everything in her life seems darker and unreliant. Of course, when she's around me, she seems happy; not as happy as before she and Kevin went out, but she still seems happy. But at the same time, I sort of knew how much pain she must feel, because she's constantly crying about it. Sure, Steevey's dramatic, but she's also depressed.

Hayden. I haven't seen him for months, since the last day of school. That's when he started going out with Steevey's best friend, Teesha. Now, this doesn't really affect anything, but Hayden is one of Steevey's ex-boyfriends. Hayden and Teesha have been off and on for months now; they went out three or four times. Now, Hayden's still in love with Teesha, but Teesha likes Hayden every other day, and hates his guts the next. Hayden has no idea what to do about this, so he goes to Steevey for advice. Even though Hayden is Steevey's best friend, every time they talk, they get into a huge argument. And, as I found out earlier, Hayden's parents are looking for a therapist for him. He has such low self-confidence it's scary. I've never seen anybody hate themselves worse. He always points out the smallest flaws that nobody else could notice unless otherwise pointed out.

Teesha is having really hard family problems, and just can't decide who she should be in love with. Everything's too hard for her. She's losing all sense of personality.

These people are four of my closest friends. They're all falling into depression. I have also noticed a change in myself. I don't think I'm as happy as I have been in the past. It seems like everything is falling a part at the seams. I'm just hoping that when school starts in less than a month, the change will bring out the best in everybody, and will make my friends happier and more secure with themselves. Maybe school is just what we all need... Who would've thought I'd ever say that??

German ducks named Brendon and Michael.... Wait, what??

Today was fun.
It was an A-day, which was AMAZING.

I ran the mile run in P.E. I got full points (:
Then, in English, we talked about gangs, drugs, and pornography. It wasn't even part of the curriculum. My teacher went to a gang conference over the weekend and she learned about how joining gangs could lead to immoral behavior, such as becoming addicted to and created drugs, pornography, etc.
In seminary, I felt the Spirit more than ever.
In band, we had an evil substitute. ): Our teacher, when I walked into jazz band in the morning, was explaining that his body was poisoning itself. He couldn't move his fingers or anything. He has cancer, and it just seems to get worse and worse. Poor Mr. Decker. =|


After school, I went to Joel's house to see his baby ducks. I also met his dogs and cats. He also had fish and mice but I didn't see them. Then we (Sean, Hayden, Brendon, Michael, Steevey, and me) went to my stake center and hung out there. Sean and Hayden "accidently" dropped my stuff in a fenced-in area. It was a big long dramatic story I don't want to tell, but Brendon's little brothers came to the rescue and collected all the papers (I'm just glad they were so small!)

Then later I went back to the stake center to learn a German dance for the Oquirr Mountain Temple Celebration. It was fun. Michael's in the Scottish group, which met an hour earlier than my group, but he stayed and watched and such. Then after he told me he gave up. He said this a lot, but I think this time he means it. He's giving up on everything, I suppose...he didn't specify. I'm guessing he means, like, everything that has to do with fighting over me with Joel and Brendon, and stuff like that. But I'm not sure...

On Facebook a few hours ago, Brendon was really down. It seems like every night he is. He's just been so emo/depressed recently...it's really sad and it scared me half to death. I went on a rant about him and that seemed to cheer him up...a little.

Flying Over the Edge (It's a story I had to write in the beginning of the year for my English class. I think it's pretty good....)

Dear Father,
I hate to admit it, but life here is only getting harder. Mother is getting behind on paying
the expenses and because of the lack of jobs and money, nobody wants to hire me. I'm an
improper 18 year old girl, which is also a turn-down. 'Leave it to the men' they all say. Or 'Run
along and have a tea party with your girlfriends.' But those are expectations I simply cannot live up to. I don't have any friends and I just can't leave the work for the men! What do those
inconsiderate employers know? Why do they automatically assume that I am like the other girls out there? I'm willing to work as hard as any man they get for the job, and if I could only get a chance I'd prove it to them! Annabelle sighed in an attempt to calm down and put a lock of her slightly messy brown hair behind her left ear. Then she continued writing. I'm sorry for my
outburst, like I am with every letter, but I just can't express my feelings to anybody else. Nobody would understand.
I wish you were here, Father. I wish every day that you would come back to me. But I
know the only way I could possibly see you again is in heaven. I picture our reunion every so
often. In my mind you're always cradling me, your strong arms around me in a tight embrace.
Tears swell in Annabelle's eyes, sparkling in the sunlight. I miss you, Father. I always have and I always will. I love you. Teardrops fell from her cheeks and landed with a small splatter on the
page of her notebook. She couldn't go on, so she ripped the paper out and folded it twice. On the
front, she drew a heart like always, and wrote '6/7/1873', the current date, in the middle of it.
Annabelle then gathered up her few possessions, stuffing them underneath her arms and
up against her chest. First her note pad, then her small doll, one belonging she just couldn't get to
sell like the rest of her things, and a single vibrantly-colored rose she had picked on the way up.
She put her pen behind her ear and stood up, being careful that her dress did not blow up in the
slight wind. She did, however, let is carry her to the edge of the cliff and in the exact
spot she stood everyday. She closed her eyes tightly and breathed in a whiff of the familiar air.
After a moment of complete relaxation, Annabelle spread her arms out wide, the letter
clenched in her right hand. This was also part of her ritual, symbolizing a bird, or an angel. In her
mind she was flying to heaven to deliver her father's note personally. She slowly loosened the
grip of her fist and the letter flew out when the next gusting breeze came rolling by. It drifted,
pulled down by the dense gravity, to the bottom of the steep cliff. Annabelle still had her eyes
shut, not daring to look at it spiraling downward, plummeting gracefully, to land a few yards
away from a young man waiting patiently by a tree.
"Finally," he mused. The man, Joshua, flipped his long blonde hair out of his face and
strolled dramatically to the letter. He read it, taking in every word. His bright green eyes chased the words down the page, reading quickly but being careful with the details.
Joshua was a very handsome young man, but he had never fallen in love. Not once in his
24 years. Girls fall head over heals for him, but to him they were all the same. Maybe it was
because they were either too down-to-earth, or fantasize too much. Perhaps he wanted to find the perfect girl, no matter how long it took. But this girl, he thought, the one writing the letters. She just might be an exception.
She just didn't seem to be like every other girl from England would be. She sounded, in a
way, exotic. New. The ugly duckling in the group of gorgeous swans. She simply sounded...
different. And that just happened to be what he was looking for.
Joshua stuffed the letter in his pocket and bounded up the mountain in one swift motion.
Today, he was determined to find her. Maybe he would even introduce himself and start a
conversation.
He reached the top a few minutes later, struggling to keep his breath even. There,
standing in the distance, was a girl. Long brown hair flowed behind her shoulders. Her thin
body was rather whimsical. her mid-calf length dress swayed around her in time with the wind,
whistling slightly through the fabric. Her arms were outstretched to either side, reminding him of Jesus on the cross, something he had learned from the previous week at the church meeting. Her head tilted back to face the sun. Freckles colonized on her nose and dotted her cheeks gingerly. This girl was beautiful in Joshua's eyes. A sudden uncertainty of fear raced up and down his body. What if she didn't like him? What if she thought he was repulsive? Before he could think about it any more, he cleared his throat only loud enough for her to recognize there was somebody behind her.
Annabelle spun around, caught off guard by the noise. Her arms now desperately clung
to her sides, her eyes wide. She stepped back, her left heel hanging off the edge of the cliff, at
the sight of the man. She brought her foot forward again to steady her balance, but in doing so,
leaned back slightly. Letting her arms swing around violently, she screamed, knowing she was
soon to be dead. She didn't even notice when two hands grabbed her around the waist and hauled her back up onto the safe ground. After comprehension of what has happened, she draped her arms around his neck and squeezed in a tight embrace. She started sobbing on his shoulder, getting his shirt wet, but he didn't seem to care so she continued. She wasn't only crying because he had saved her, however, but because she hadn't hugged a man since her father had died about a year ago. When he passed away, Annabelle immediately became a social reject. She never said a word, never confided in anyone. She was nearly invisible walking sulkily down the street, and was invincible to people and the words they spoke about her. She just didn't care. Her father meant the world to her, and nobody ever asked her how she felt about anything, they just let her alone. She didn't dare get close to anyone, always keeping a 10-foot radius between them, and, frankly, they didn't want to be anywhere near her anymore than she wanted to be near them.
Joshua just waited for her to be done, then pulled her away from him, still holding on to
her shoulders. He looked her in the eyes. "Are you the one? The one writing the letters?"
"You mean the ones for my father?" she asked, "How do you know about those?"
"Yes, those ones." He sighed. "Well, I found one at the bottom of the mountain and I go
there every day to wait for them. They're wonderful."
Annabelle didn't know whether to be irritated that he reads her personal letters to her
father, embarrassed that she writes them in the first place, or if she should thank him for the
compliment. So she stood, speechless, looking back at him. They exchanged a blank stare
before he muttered, "Oh."
"I-I'm sorry, ma'am. I know I shouldn't invade your privacy like that, it's just that you
have such a great personality and you're just, I don't know, different," he stated, a small smile
covering his stare.
"Thank you...I guess."
"It's my pleasure," he replied. Then he introduced himself, "I'm Joshua, current villager
of the town below the mountain."
Annabelle smiled at his obvious feeling of awkwardness. She liked that somebody was
nervous to talk to her, let alone making contact with her at all. "I'm Annabelle. I live over there." She pointed in the general direction of her house, not breaking their gaze.
"It's a pleasure to meet a fine young lady like yourself, Miss Annabelle." He bowed to
her. She smiled at the gesture and curtsied in reply. They stared at each other for another few
minutes, then Joshua glanced in the direction of his town. "I must leave. Would you like to
come with me?"
"Where to?" Annabelle wondered aloud.
"I help my father out with our garden. It's where we get most of our food, considering the
hard times we are having."
"Oh," Annabelle replied, "Well I actually have to be home soon to make supper for my
mom and I." Joshua looked disappointed at her rejection to his offer, so she quickly stuttered, "I
will meet you here tomorrow morning, if you wish."
Joshua was already headed down the mountain to return home. "I will see you then, my
love." Then he disappeared behind a bend in the trail. Annabelle sighed and started down the
other way, singing a song, satisfied with her day.
After helping his dad with the gardening, Joshua explained to him the beautiful girl he
saw today, and how much he loved her since the first time he'd read one of her letters. "You
know you can have any girl in this town? They all swoon over you," he said.
"Yes, Father," Joshua replied, "But I love Annabelle. I've never felt this way about any
other girl before."
"Follow me," his father commanded, and walked towards their small house. Joshua did
as he was told, and followed him into his room. His dad took a box from the middle
compartment of the dresser that stood up against the right wall. It was a small, red velvet-
covered box about the size of a belt buckle. He handed it to Joshua with great care and told him
to open it. Joshua slowly lifted the top from it, confused, and stared at the contents with wide
eyes. I circle of small diamonds were set in the middle of a gold band, sparkling from the light of
the lonesome light hanging obscurely from the ceiling. "Give it to her, Joshua."
He stuttered, not sure of what to say. "I, I can't. It's yours."
"No, it's not," he replied, "I've been saving it for you since you were a little boy. I was
waiting for this day to come." Tears came to both their eyes, but they choked them back. Joshua whispered his thanks, even that shaky, and closed the box also with caution.
That night, when both Annabelle and Joshua lay in bed, they thought about each other.
They felt complete with the other, and only half the person they have the potential to be when
they are apart. Annabelle never believed in love at first sight, and, honestly, neither did Joshua.
But they were proved wrong this afternoon. When they looked into each other's eyes, they saw
the rest of their lives laid out before them; and whatever pathways they took, their futures always collided. They belonged together. And if one thing was for sure, they were definitely going to dream about each other tonight.
Annabelle hiked to the top of the mountain the next morning before Joshua, so she sat on
a under a large tree, being sure she stayed in the shade. It was an awful hot morning, she noticed, even for it being June. She took her notebook that was tucked underneath her arm like usual and her pen from behind her ear. She opened the book to a new page, and put the pen to the paper, thinking about how to start this letter.
Dear Father, she started as always, something extraordinary happened yesterday. After
sending out the letter to you, a handsome young man saved my life. I try not to remember that he's the one that almost made me fall off the cliff. She smiled at the memory, even though she was ultimately frightened at the time of this incident. He is perfect in nearly every way. He's absolutely perfect for me. Father, I think I love him.
I always thought I'd never love anyone as much as I love you. I'm scared to admit that I
think I've found someone. But I know if you were here, you'd want the best for me. You'd want me to live my life as full as I possibly can. So I'm going to continue this relationship, and hope that someday Joshua and I may be more than just friends. I love you, Dad, and I'll never let anyone replace you. You have a special place in my heart, as does Mother, and Joshua. And don't worry, I'll continue my letters to you no matter what happens. I'll throw them off the exact same cliff and it will land directly next to the tree they always drift off to.
Annabelle looked up to face the plains and the environment around her. Everything
seemed different today, still. It felt special, but in an unknown way. She didn't have anything
else to say, so she ripped out the paper, drew the heart and scribbled the date, and threw it off the cliff like she has done every day for years.
Joshua, also like usual, found it, read it, smiled at what she wrote, and ran up the
mountain full-heartedly. He kept one hand over the pocket that contained the red box. When he reached the top, he stood next to Annabelle, who was still standing at the edge of the cliff. She
opened one eye at the sound of footsteps and grinned at his presence, then closed her eyes again
and took in a lungful of air, her chest and stomach bulging slightly at the inhalation. He watched
her with great admiration, his blonde hair swirling about in the warm breeze.
A minute or so later, Annabelle strode her way to the tree with Joshua, hand-in-hand.
Their eyes were bright with excitement. What had they done before they had met? It seems next to impossible that they had such a past. They couldn't remember ever feeling as complete as they do now.
They stood facing each other, both their hands intertwined within the other. Gleaming
smiles invaded their faces, and for that moment, they didn't care about anything else. Joshua
let go of one of her hands and dug his hand into his pocket, feeling around for the box. He
clenched it lightly when feeling contact, but didn't take it out. Annabelle looked at him, confused.
He got down on one knee and cleared his throat. She instantly knew it was coming, but she
didn't know if she believed it or not. She just stood t here, speechless, feeling the tears rising.
"Annabelle," he began, "I know we just met, but I feel a special connection with you I've
never felt with anybody else. I love you, Annabelle." He looked up at her, probably waiting for
her reaction. A blank look covered her pretty face, so he continued. "I want to spend my whole
life with you. All eternity." He took out the box and opened it, laying it on his palm so she could
see it's beauty. "Annabelle, will you marry me?"
Tears immediately started to brim her bright green eyes, and flowed down her cheeks
simultaneously. "Yes," she whispered hoarsely and that's all she could let come out. Joshua
slipped the ring on her finger and stood up, embracing her tightly. She squeezed back through
her sobs.
"I love you," he repeated over and over, and he has been ever since.

This is when I wish this blog was totally private.

A blog that absolutely NOBODY I know personally knows about.

It's not that I did something terribly horribly dreadful. But I'm so confused about what to do and I'm not sure who would approve and who wouldn't.

...I need something private to write/type in.
Anybody in my family could look through the history on my computer and know this was me.
The friends of mine that know about this blog would know it's me.
I can't keep a diary...I can't keep having a blog a secret...

Huh.

Well anyway, I talked to Chris on the phone today for two and a half hours. :] I enjoyed it.

Then I went to Young Womens. It was fun. Hannah's not as bad as I thought. We couldn't stop laughing for the second hour of the activity!